In My Element: I’m Done Auditioning for a Life I Already Belong In

Sep 2

6 min read

When did being yourself start feeling like an audition?

The funny thing is, I never thought I was auditioning. I have always hated anything that felt performative. You know when something feels like somebody is doing it for the reaction, the applause, the attention? Yeah. That has never been my ministry. In my head, being performative had a certain look, and because I didn't look like that, I figured I was good.

I was being myself. Right?

Well, apparently you can be completely yourself and still be performing.

I started realizing that my performance didn't look like pretending to be somebody I wasn't. It looked like making sure everybody was okay with the person I already was. It sounded like, Sure, I can do it. Yes, I'll come. I don't mind. Let me figure it out. I don't want them to think I don't care. And my personal favorite: I don't want to hurt their feelings.

Meanwhile, I was tired, drained, overthinking, crying, stressed and wondering why I didn't have any peace.

Maybe I wasn't performing my personality. I was performing my availability.

Maybe I Was Performing More Than I Realized

Being a people-pleaser is not a new revelation for me. Baby, I know. I've known. I've been this way since I was little. Growing up, I wanted to fit in, be liked and belong. I wasn't the girl getting all the awards, homecoming court or prom queen. Eventually, I became comfortable with the fact that being front and center might not be my lane.

Then I got older, and something funny happened: people started seeing me.

My work was recognized. People started trusting my creativity and valuing my opinion. People told me I inspired them. Opportunities came my way, and I became someone people reached out to at work, in friendships, creatively and in my community. These are things I prayed for, and I don't take any of them lightly.

But somewhere along the way, younger me wanted to be seen, and older me finally started being seen and somehow turned being seen into another responsibility.

I felt like if people saw something in me, I had to constantly show up for them. Being dependable became saying yes. Being supportive became not wanting to disappoint anyone. And somewhere between being grateful for the opportunities and wanting to be there for everybody, I started stretching myself way too thin.

And yes, y'all have heard me talk about saying no before. At this point you're probably thinking, Girl, how many times are we going to learn this lesson? Apparently until it sticks. 😂

But this time, I asked myself a different question: Why does saying no make me so uncomfortable?

The answer was simple. I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I don't want to let anybody down. Except the more I said yes because I was afraid of disappointing people, the more I ended up disappointing them anyway. I couldn't physically be everywhere or give everything my best because I had already handed pieces of myself to too many things.

I'm learning that being inspirational doesn't mean I owe everybody access to me. Being talented doesn't mean everybody is entitled to my talents. Being dependable doesn't require a yes every time someone asks. And being seen doesn't mean I have to perform now that people are watching.

Saying yes when you don't have the capacity isn't always kindness. Sometimes it's fear wearing a really nice outfit.

Who Am I When Nobody Needs Anything From Me?

That question sat with me. Who am I when I'm not being useful, impressive, agreeable or trying to make sure everybody understands me?

Turns out, I really like that girl.

She's quiet but strong. She's observant. She's silly once she feels comfortable. She loves meaningful conversations and intimate relationships. She enjoys her own company. And she's introverted. Very introverted.

I've finally realized I actually love that about myself. I've tried the whole super-outgoing thing and no, ma'am. It fits me like a dress two sizes too small. Technically, I might be able to get it on, but why are we suffering? 😂 I'd rather have a few genuine relationships than a room full of connections that don't go very deep.

I'm learning that these aren't things about myself I need to overcome. They're elements of me. Maybe growth isn't always stretching yourself into somebody different. Sometimes it's finally getting comfortable enough to stop stretching.

Approval Is a Moving Target

One morning during my devotional, I came across Galatians 1:10. Paul asks whether he is trying to win the approval of people or of God, and whew, there it was. Because I know whose approval ultimately matters most to me. God's. So why was I allowing everybody else's opinions to carry so much weight?

Here's where it gets uncomfortable for me: I really like being understood. Being misunderstood is one of my biggest pet peeves, especially when I feel like I've explained myself clearly. I gave you the PowerPoint, speaker notes, appendix and Q&A. How are we still confused? 😂

But I'm learning that constantly needing people to understand my choices can become another form of approval-seeking. Sometimes people simply aren't going to get it. You may say no and disappoint someone. You may choose yourself and somebody may call it selfish. You may change and the people who were comfortable with the old version of you may not understand. You may follow where God is leading without having a five-slide presentation explaining why it makes sense.

And maybe you don't need one.

I can be misunderstood and still be right where God wants me.

People's approval is a moving target. If I build my life around hitting it, I'll spend my whole life running.

And I don't like running.

What Actually Feels Like Me?

So I've started asking myself a simpler question: What actually feels like me? Not what looks impressive. Not what makes sense to everybody else. Not what I can turn into a project, monetize, post or add to my résumé. What actually brings me joy?

For me, lately, that looks like spending time alone, sleeping, traveling, trying new things, creating things I actually care about, getting dressed up every now and then, and having meaningful time with people I love. Most of all, it looks like being around people who don't require me to perform.

And I'm learning that not every small gathering has to turn into an event-planning exercise. Because I'll start with, “I just want to go to dinner with a couple of people.” Then my brain gets involved. If I invite her, should I invite her too? Will everybody have somebody to talk to? Maybe I need to invite...

MA'AM.

Now there are 17 people at dinner, and I don't even want to go anymore. 😂

I became so concerned about whether everybody else would enjoy themselves that I forgot to ask whether I would. That's the people-pleasing I'm trying to notice now. Not just the big sacrifices, but the tiny ways I remove myself from my own decisions.

Oh, There She Is

Recently, I went to a wedding. I hadn't really gotten dressed up in months. I'm talking real clothes, makeup, the whole situation. And listen, being cute requires effort, and some days I simply do not have it in me.

But I got dressed, did my makeup, looked in the mirror and thought, Oh, there she is.

I hadn't become anybody different. I just recognized myself. That's what I want more of in this season. Those there she is moments. Moments that feel like joy, creativity, curiosity, peace, playfulness and confidence.

Maybe joy isn't always something new we need to discover. Sometimes joy is recognizing ourselves again.

I'm Not Becoming Someone New. I'm Coming Home to Me.

We're always encouraged to reinvent ourselves. New year, new me. New season, new me. New age, new me.

But as I step into 33, I'm not looking for a brand-new woman.

I actually like this one.

Maybe finding your element isn't about becoming someone new. Maybe it's about returning to the parts of yourself that feel most like home, while letting go of the need to explain, perform or earn approval along the way.

And that doesn't mean I stop being the girl who loves helping people. I'm just learning the difference between helping from love and helping from fear.

Helping someone because I want to is love. Helping someone because I'm afraid of what they'll think if I don't is people-pleasing.

That's what In My Element means to me: loving people without abandoning myself in the process. Knowing that a no doesn't make me mean, a boundary doesn't make me selfish, and choosing joy doesn't make me irresponsible.

I'm done asking for permission to live a life God already gave me.

I want to do more of the things that make me feel like myself.

Not the version people expect. The version that feels like home.

See the Light

Maybe you've gotten so good at being what everybody needs that you haven't stopped to ask what you need.

So here's the light I hope you see:

You do not have to earn your place in your own life. You already belong here.

Some people won't understand your choices. Some may be disappointed by your boundaries. Choose yourself anyway. Make room for the quiet, silly, creative parts of you that feel like home.

And maybe one day you'll catch a glimpse of yourself and think, Oh, there she is.

Not because you became someone new, but because you finally recognized the woman who was there all along.

Maybe that's what being in your element really is. Coming home to yourself and leaving the light on.

Now I want to hear from you: What’s one thing that makes you feel most like YOU? Drop it in the comments below.