The Art of Discernment: Protecting Your Softness in a Loud World

Alexis Higgins
May 17
4 min read

Sometimes, the safest thing you can do is pause. Not everyone deserves your “yes.”Not every space is meant to hold your softness.Not every ask is yours to answer.

In a world that praises hustle, self-sacrifice, and being “that girl who always comes through,” discernment is your quiet superpower.

This week, as part of the Safe to Love series, we’re talking about the sacred practice of listening — to God, to your gut, to the tension in your chest that whispers, “Something’s off.”

From the office to your group chats, discernment teaches you how to move wisely, choose intentionally, and stay tender — without becoming everybody’s emotional landing pad.

Because protecting your heart isn’t about being guarded —It’s about being grounded. And your softness? It’s worth that kind of care.

Why I Had to Learn This for Myself

I wish I had a deep, soul-tied reason for why I say yes to so much. But the truth is — I really don’t know. For the past two years, the demand on my time and energy has skyrocketed. And most of the time, when someone reaches out, it’s because they need something.

My phone is full of messages that start with:

Can you plan this?
Can you make this?
Can I borrow $100?
Can you help me?

It’s rare to get a simple “How are you?” or “Just checking on you.” And honestly, when I sit with that, it makes me a little sad.

Outside of my family and a small circle of close friends, if you stripped away the requests, my phone would be pretty dry. It made me wonder: Is this what life is supposed to be about?

I don’t mind being a helper. I love showing up for people. But somewhere along the way, my giving turned into overextending. And that’s when I realized something had to shift.

Learning to Say “No” — Without Guilt

Last year, I stopped saying “yes” on autopilot and started asking: Do I even want to do this?

That’s when I learned something big — Every time I say yes to someone else, I’m saying no to something else. And often, that “something else” is my own:

Peace
Creativity
Rest
Joy
Dreams

So I started saying no — more often, more confidently, and without the urge to over explain. Because if I keep boarding everyone else’s flight, who’s flying mine?

So What Is Discernment, Really?

I used to think discernment just meant being quiet and letting things play out. But it’s so much more than that.

Discernment is the ability to recognize, understand, and make wise decisions — especially in uncertain situations. It’s not just about choosing right from wrong. It’s about sensing what’s best, what’s true, and what’s aligned with your values — even when the options aren’t obvious.

For me, I’ve learned to look at discernment through three lenses:

✝️ Spiritually:

It’s about asking God, “Is this mine to carry?” It’s seeking His peace before giving your yes. Because when God speaks, even the “no” comes with clarity.

🧭 Everyday Life:

It’s knowing when to speak and when to stay silent, who to trust, which doors to walk through, and which ones to leave closed.

💛 Emotionally:

It helps you separate fear from facts, love from infatuation, and peace from people-pleasing.

✨ Tips to Grow in Discernment (That You Can Actually Use)

If you’re a woman like me — soft-hearted, dependable, and lowkey tired — these are the small shifts that are helping me make wiser choices with my time and energy:

Pause before you say yes.
- Even a five-minute delay gives your spirit time to weigh the ask. Ask yourself: “Do I have the capacity for this — emotionally, mentally, spiritually?”
Practice listening to God.
- Sit in silence. Journal your prayers. Ask, “God, is this for me?” If you feel peace, proceed. If you feel pressure, pause.
Ask better questions.
Instead of “Can I fit this in?” ask:
- Does this bring peace or pressure?
- Is this rooted in love — or in fear of letting someone down?
Create a “default no” season.
- You don’t have to be on-call for everyone’s needs. Let your default be no, and let your spirit guide the exceptions.
Notice who checks on you.
- Pay attention to the people who pour into you without expecting anything in return. Those are your safe spaces.
Get comfortable disappointing people.
- Boundaries will upset the ones who benefit from you having none. That’s not your burden to carry.

✈️ Final Boarding Call

Discernment has become my boarding pass to peace. It’s how I’m learning to fly differently — not faster, not higher, but more aligned.

If you’ve ever felt like you're always on someone else’s flight plan, I hope this reminded you: You are allowed to reroute. You are allowed to land. You are allowed to protect your softness.

💬 Let’s Talk About It:

Drop a comment: What’s one area of your life where you’re learning to say no with more discernment? Or share this post with another soft-hearted woman who needs to hear this.

This is part 2 of my Safe to Love series — for women who give their all, but deserve the same in return.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you’ve made it this far, I just want to say — I see you. I hope this reminded you that your softness is worth protecting and your “no” is powerful too. You’re not alone on this journey.